|
Post by mike on Mar 27, 2015 15:05:37 GMT 9
北方の海は銀色に凍こおっていました。長い冬の間、太陽はめったにそこへは顔を見せなかったのです。なぜなら、太陽は、陰気いんきなところは、好かなかったからでありました。そして、海は、ちょうど死んだ魚の眼のようにどんよりと曇くもって、毎日雪が降ふっていました。
The northern sea had frozen silver all over. For, over the long winter, seldom had the sun peeped forth its rays---maybe it’s prepossessed against dreary places. And the sea was heavily blanketed with brume, looking for all the world like those dull eyes of a dead fish, and it was snowy every day.
|
|
|
Post by smith on Apr 3, 2015 8:54:48 GMT 9
Pretty good, but this sentence "frozen silver all over" just sounds odd. And I don't why it sounds odd. I'm pretty sure it's grammatically correct. I know that "burn red" sounds fine, as does "shine blue", but "freeze silver" just sounds off for some reason.
But having said that, I don't even know how one would translate 海は銀色に凍る
|
|
|
Post by emilytiger on Apr 3, 2015 14:28:56 GMT 9
Was trying to figure out why "peeped forth" was sounding a little weird to me, and I found the excuse that "to put forth" is part of the definition of that sense of the word, so "forth" is perhaps redundant.
I will accept "frozen silver," however!
|
|
|
Post by elipsett on Apr 4, 2015 12:08:47 GMT 9
I think frozen silver is excellent, although not grammatical. I'd call it poetic license and run with it.
The overall tone of the piece, though, is poetic and old-style, which is good, but "peep" simply doesn't work here. Spoils the mood, which I think needs to be made more poetic and less informal. Fewer "and"s, and more cadence.
Brume is a nice word (new to me!), but it seems to mean mist and fog, not cloudy or overcast, which I think the source specifies.
There must be a creative way to avoid the overused "looking for all the world like"!
|
|