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Post by elipsett on Oct 30, 2014 16:32:32 GMT 9
I'm wondering about the translation "shimmering indigo light."
I really can't think of anything else this could mean, but it sure seems out of place...
The Japanese reads:
人びとの眼に僧の眼のうすい藍（あい）色の光が顫（ふる）えついていた。
I don't recall ever seeing a fish with blue eyes, which suggests I might be misinterpreting this sentence entirely.
Suggestions welcome!
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Post by smith on Oct 30, 2014 17:42:29 GMT 9
"Shimmering indigo light" is a pretty good translation, other passable translations might be something like "the indigo blurr", or you could even paraphrase it to "The men were left with the shimmering indigo of his eyes," or "The indigo light from the monk's eyes shimmered in their minds as he disappeared deep into the mountains," although that might be cutting and changing it enough to render the translation incorrect.
Seriously though, your translation is fine and there is no real need to change it.
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Post by rusterholz on Dec 3, 2014 13:35:15 GMT 9
A few comments on your translation (Nr. 5 is a typo, nr. 1-3 and 6 is IMHO just wrong, regardless of interpretation, and nr. 4 a question).
1.
原作:「白い大きな藍色の魚の背が見えて来た」
Your translation: "and the bluish-white back of a huge fish appeared"
This should be translated as: "and the white back of a huge indigo-blue fish appeared."
It has to be parsed as follows: 白い (大きな藍色の魚の) 背, hasn't it?
This would also fit best to 「僧の眼のうすい藍色の光」, the shimmering indigo-blue light in the eyes of the monk.
2.
Your translation: "They all stripped down, and, carrying the baskets with the bark paste ... "
There is only one basket with bark paste.
Why? There is just one man (the bearded man) who was in charge of dumping the poison.
And at the beginning of your translation, you mention twice just one (reed) basket: "and dropped it into the reed basket" and "tilting the basket full of paste".
3.
原作:「小さな淵をしている処から皮粕を入れてみた」
Your translation: "They poured the poison into the little pool of placid water,"
This should be: "They dumped (it's a 笊！) the poison (or better: bark paste) into ... "
4.
Sometimes you translate 皮粕 as 'bark paste' and sometimes as 'poison'.
I don't understand why. I don't think it's necessary to avoid 'bark paste'.
5.
"I can’t make the decision myself… we talk about it, and it the others want to stop, I’ll go along."
The second 'it' has to be 'if', hasn't it?
6.
原作１：「蒼白い五寸ばかりの魚」 in 「刻み煙草一服吸う位の時間を置いて、蒼白い五寸ばかりの魚が腹をかえして浮いて来た。」
Your translation: "and in the time it takes to smoke a pipeful a fish floated to the top, whitish blue belly showing and maybe 15 cm in length. "
原作２：「蒼白い魚」 in 「続いて二つばかり蒼白い魚が浮いて来た。」
Your translation: "then two more bluish-white fish floated up into sight."
I wonder why the first one is "a fish (with a) whitish blue belly" and the second one "bluish-white fish".
The color of the fish (in nr. 1, a mountain trout) is bluish-white. The author doesn't mention the color of the belly.
In nr. 2 he might think of chars, but the color is the same.
A.Rusterholz
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Post by elipsett on Dec 3, 2014 21:51:45 GMT 9
Thank you for reading it so closely. Let me comment individually below. 1. 原作:「白い大きな藍色の魚の背が見えて来た」 Your translation: "and the bluish-white back of a huge fish appeared" This should be translated as: "and the white back of a huge indigo-blue fish appeared." It has to be parsed as follows: 白い (大きな藍色の魚の) 背, hasn't it? This would also fit best to 「僧の眼のうすい藍色の光」, the shimmering indigo-blue light in the eyes of the monk. This seems quite reasonable, thank you. I don't believe the number of baskets is specified in the story. I can't see any reason why there couldn't be multiple baskets, and the action describing only a single one. I'd have to say both interpretations are perfectly reasonable, but unless you can provide more information, I don't see any particular reason to favor one interpretation over the other. Both are perfectly acceptable. Pour can work with any material that moves, including viscous liquids and powders, for example. I translate it in different ways because using the same word again and again is a terrible way to write English. Since the two words signify the same thing in this case, I feel this is a better option. Again, I think you are correct. He does not mention the color of the belly, and in this case it would make sense to unify the coloring of all the fish mentioned. Thank you. I'll go ahead and make a few changes as you've suggested. Thank you for taking the time to work through it! |
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Post by elipsett on Dec 3, 2014 22:37:28 GMT 9
The comment about the indigo fish and indigo eyes really helped. I don't know how I managed to miss that connection, but it solves the question of the blue eyes quite nicely.
I'm glad I asked!
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ibel
New Member
Posts: 6
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Post by ibel on Dec 24, 2014 9:42:35 GMT 9
Dear translator,
This is likely just a typo rather than a grammatical error, please fix it:
"The man in front of the monk slid him body a bit to the side to let the visitor join the circle,"
It should be "slid his body" not "slid him body".
Thank you for your work.
IBel
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Post by elipsett on Dec 25, 2014 9:13:42 GMT 9
It should be "slid his body" not "slid him body". Thank you! Duly fixed. |
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