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Post by smith on Jan 5, 2016 11:21:56 GMT 9
So I finally have some time to take a crack at the poems which were submitted to the site. I'm really out of my element with poetry and have no idea what I'm doing, so any and all input would be greatly appreciated By Masaki 葡萄 この葡萄は弱っている 病気でもないのに 葉は枯れ 花も実もならない 丈ばかりが伸びすぎている いっそのこと 刈り取ってしまえば 使用人は口にしている 譲らないのは主人のみ 葡萄の私でさえも 刈り取ってほしいと願っている 火の中に 放り込んでいただけたなら | A grape
These grapes are dying They aren't sick But the leaves are withered No flowers, no seeds It's just overgrown What they should do Is harvest the grapes
So that the workers can eat Is what the workers are saying Only the owner won't let them Even myself, a grape, Would want to be harvested If they would toss me Into the fire
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I'm having issues from the very first line as I'm not really sure 'dying' is the right word. The use of 花も実も also threw me off as the term 花も実もあり means to have be complete in some way, like having the brawn *and* the brains. Will post more as I translate them
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Post by smith on Jan 7, 2016 9:59:39 GMT 9
And another one By Masaki 今日という日
もう戻らない なのに永遠に続くような気で 過ごしてきました これからは 搾りたてのジュースを飲むように 残りの牛乳をいただくように 母のシチューを味わうように 今日という日を大切にします
昼寝をするにせよ 仕事をするにせよ この日を 永遠に戻らぬ糧として しっかり味わいます 大切な大切な あなたとの時間みたいに 大切にして
| This Day Today
It will never come back But I feel like It could last forever From now on Like drinking freshly-squeezed juice Like taking the last of the milk
Like getting a kiss from my mom Like tasting my mom's stew I will keep this day dear.
Whether you nap in the afternoon Whether you work This day is Like a meal you will only have once Enjoy it all you can Like precious, precious Time spent with you Keep it dear.
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This one is a little easier to understand, but I can't get the wording right.
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Post by emilytiger on Jan 13, 2016 13:01:30 GMT 9
About the grape one:
The first thing I noticed is an issue about the subject. By the time you get to "It's just overgrown," it's clear it's talking about the plant, i.e. the vine, right?
実 is probably fruit in this instance.
"Overgrown" to me sounds bushy, jungly, snarly, but this is just really tall/long. Important for the vine image. Not harvest, because there is no fruit. They mean cut it down.
And not so the workers can "eat," but it's what they are "saying."
It's kind of an interesting poem, actually.
Here's a revised idea based on the above notes:
This grapevine is impaired Though it's not sick The leaves are withered No flowers, no fruit Just very tall We should just Cut it down Is what the gardnerer says All that stops him is the owner Even myself, a grapevine Would want to be cut down If they would toss me Into the fire
PS - I don't know anything about poetry either ><
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Post by emilytiger on Jan 13, 2016 13:17:09 GMT 9
About "This Day Today":
母のシチューを味わうように <-- Not a チュー but シチュー so it's "like enjoying mom's stew"
I'd take out "in the afternoon"
I tried an alternative version of this:
"This day is "Like a meal you will only have once "Enjoy it all you can"
Here it is:
"Enjoy this day "All you can "Like a meal you will only have once"
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Post by smith on Jan 13, 2016 13:57:25 GMT 9
Thanks Emily. I'm going to go ahead and use pretty much all of your suggestions. Not entirely sure about the re-wording of the grape vines themselves, though. There are a number of vineyards in the town I live in, and unlike most overseas grape growing ventures, here they are grown inside make-shift green houses made from a kind of heavy-duty veneer plastic wrap. This means that the vines only grow up to a certain point (4 or 5 feet) before dangling back down, and if left unattended the vines growing downward do get bushy, jungly and snarly. It's difficult to describe, but I will try and post some pictures of what I mean when I get home.
But then again, we are translating things so they will be understood by a non-Japanese reader, so perhaps your version is better after all.
At any rate, don't be afraid to try translating a poem or two from the main thread.
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Post by emilytiger on Jan 13, 2016 14:50:21 GMT 9
That is a good point. I guess since he specifically said 丈ばかり, that's what got me thinking in that direction. What you mention about the excess length getting snarly in a heap, then I see where you're coming from.
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Post by smith on Jan 18, 2016 14:13:52 GMT 9
Another poem (By Masaki) かけがえのない夜 星の美しい夜だ 冷気をすり抜け 御声が聴こえる
あなたの 重荷を ともに背負おう
その言葉は 胸のうち 炎のように温かい
我が主よ 生きる哀しみに あなたを想います
短い命にこそ 慰められる夜 心はあなたを慕うのです | Precious Night
The stars are beautiful tonight A chill blows past I can hear your voice
Let me Help you Carry the burden
Those words warm my heart (soul?) like a flame
Our lord (?) In the sorrow of life I think of you
In this short life On this night I draw solace My heart longs for you |
Again this is kind of tricky to word in the form of a poem. Also, I *really* don't know what 我が主よ is talking about specifically, or the best way to translate it. Any and all edits and suggestions welcome.
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Post by smith on Jan 25, 2016 9:28:39 GMT 9
By Masaki メリー・クリスマス
メリー・クリスマス 星降る夜だ 話してみてよ あなたの痛み 神さま悲しむ あなたとともに
メリー・クリスマス 星降る夜だ 話してごらん あなたの願い 神さま喜ぶ あなたとともに
メリー・クリスマス あなたのために メリー・クリスマス 与えられた夜さ メリー・クリスマス ともに祝おう メリー・クリスマス | Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas A night of falling stars Try to speak (About) your pain (?) The lord hurts With you
Merry Christmas A night of falling stars Say something Your wishes The lord rejoices With you
Merry Christmas For you Merry Christmas This night is given Merry Christmas Celebrate it together Merry Christmas |
And another one
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Post by smith on Jan 31, 2016 21:24:29 GMT 9
Alright, these have all been posted to the main page. Further edits can be made at any time, so don't hesitate to post if you have a better wording of a verse if have found a mistake.
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